aSide Order

Last NewsBusted TV for this year.

Here is your Civics Lesson for Today.

How it’s done:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C., one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The New Jersey contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The New Jersey contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

  1. A day without sunshine is like night.
  2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
  9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
  14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
  19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”
  22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
  23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

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